


Push Me to the Edge

by uswntchelsea



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, USWNT
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-29 17:21:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uswntchelsea/pseuds/uswntchelsea
Summary: Tobin is struggling with alcoholism and Alex knows it's partially her fault. Will she be able to help Tobin recover or will the girl she fell for be gone forever.Au where the girls aren't pro soccer players, just ordinary kids in college. Tobin and Alex have history but will be revealed later on.Stick with me, I've never written a fic before but I'll give it my best shot.





	1. Make the Pain Go Away

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will take a lot of inspiration from my playlist so if you want to know what the tone is for a chapter just ask, happy reading folks

Tobin looked down at her hands, she had the shakes but that was nothing new after sleep. She needed a drink. She noticed the shaking started a few months ago, but she had been drinking a lot before that. Drinking numbs the pain. She slowly got up and got dressed, being careful not to wake the sleeping girl in the bed. She found herself sleeping with girls often not because she particularly wanted to but because it provided a good distraction. Once she was dressed she left. She walked back to her place. Well it wasn't really her place, technically it was Lindsey's place but she too called it home. As she walked through the front door she was greeted with a sad smile. "Want a coffee? I was just making one for myself" Tobin ignored her and grabbed a bottle of whiskey out of the cupboard. Most people would think Lindsey was just being kind but Tobin knew better, it was another distraction, one that rarely worked. Despite Tobin's blatant ignorance of the offer Lindsey still set a cup of coffee in front of her friend. "Tobs..." She started but was interrupted "Before you start, I can't. It's the only thing that numbs the pain" Lindsey rolled her eyes at this "What about the girls then Tobin, you rarely sleep in your own bed. Does that numb it too?" And this time it was Tobin's turn to roll her eyes "You know that they're just a distraction, if I'm fucking I'm not drinking so you should be happy I do that." Lindsey laughed humourlessly "You're an asshole dude, I'm going to the gym now, if you need anything I'm a phone call away, just take it easy on the whiskey buddy" and with that she slammed the front door. Tobin sat in silence taking sips from the bottle every few minutes. Truth be told when she was left alone she didn't really know what to do. She must have sat for longer than she realised because the next thing she knew Lindsey was back but this time she had brought a group of friends. They used to be mutual friends but Tobin had withdrawn from the group about half a year ago and now she tried to avoid them as much as possible. Lindsey, Morgan, Kelley, Emily, Christen and Alex seemed too busy chatting to realise she was there but she accidentally made eye contact with Kelley and she knew it was going to be a shit day. "Tobin, so nice to see you, how have you been?" It was sarcastic, Tobin knew that and decided to reply in kind "Wonderful, just spent a morning with my best friend Jack, it's been an absolute riot!" She was hoping that would be the end of it but she heard Emily mumble something under her breath and she couldn't help but react. "What the fuck did you just say!?" Her voice was low but plenty menacing. "I said, Tobin, that maybe you wouldn't need to hang out with Jack if you just came to hang out with us again" Emily sounded sincere but Tobin was losing control of her temper and Lindsey knew that. "Tobs, we're going out for lunch, need me to bring you anything back?" At this Tobin took a big swig of her bottle before replying "how about another bottle?" Before sulking off to her room. 

Later that evening Lindsey knocked on Tobin's door but received no answer so decided to walk on in anyway. Tobin was passed out next to an empty bottle. Lindsey covered her in a blanket but Tobin woke up at this. "Hey, how was your lunch?" Tobin sounded a lot more like the soft, funny girl she had become friends with in the first place. "It was nice, was definitely missing someone though. The girls really wish you would at least try to hang out with them, they miss you." Tobin registered how sad Lindsey sounded and felt bad she was causing it. "Invite them round for breakfast tomorrow, I won't drink, we can all go to the gym together. I'll try." Tobin knew it would be a long day but she felt awful she was causing so much sadness to her best friend and wanted to make up for it. "Really? You're being serious?" Lindsey's eyes lit up with hope, she could see a glimmer of her old friend and it was exciting. "I sure do buddy but I'm gonna need you guys to be patient with me." Tobin gave her a sad smile. "Lindsey, can you stay in here with me tonight please?" She was hoping having her friend stay with her would stop her thoughts racing about tomorrow morning "Of course Tobs, budge up, I don't want to be falling off the edge in the night" She joked as she got in the bed. "Tobs, you need to freshen up right now, you stick of whiskey and I'm not sure I can sleep next to that" Tobin just laughed and gave her the middle finger as she headed to the bathroom. 20 minutes later she was back in bed and they slowly drifted off to sleep.   
That morning Tobin woke up to an empty bed and a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. She checked the clock, it was only 8am but the girls must have already been there. She got up, ran a hand through her hair and made her way towards the noise. "Hey Tobs, figured you could use the sleep so I didn't wake you when they text to say they were on their way" Lindsey said as she handed Tobin a cup of coffee, the difference today was that it would actually be drunk. "Thanks dude" was all she could bring herself to reply. She felt 6 pairs of eyes on her, watching her every move carefully and it made her uncomfortable so she decided to just get on with her coffee, at this she heard Kelley remark "Wow, she can drink something without alcohol" and Tobin just raised an eyebrow at her. The girls slowly got into a conversation but Tobin tried to have as little input as possible, she was really trying but it was a lot to cope with. She noticed that as per usual she had the shakes. Lindsey announced that the food was ready and suddenly it was quiet as the girls all stuffed their faces but Tobin wasn't hungry, she just picked at a pancake but she was struggling to keep it down. She needed a drink. She was getting more and more irritated as time went on, all she could think about was alcohol but she knew couldn't have a drink now, she told Lindsey she wouldn't. "I'm gonna go freshen up" she said as she left the table hurriedly. She jumped in the shower hoping to calm her thoughts.   
"Lindsey she needs proper help." Alex said lowly. "Listen, I've tried, she doesn't want it, she's happy to wallow in her sadness."   
"She's a freaking alcoholic dude, you can't manage this on your own" this time it was Kelley. "I know Kel, I know but what else can I do? She promised today she wouldn't drink but I can see she's struggling already" she said as she thought back to her irritable, jittery friend. "She's drinking herself to death." Alex remarked quietly. "Every morning I try. I give her a cup of coffee when she gets back from God knows where and she never drinks it, I offer for her to come with us but she never wants to, I check on her whenever I get back and tuck her in when she passes out, I stay with her when she has nightmares. I'm doing everything I can it's just not enough" Lindsey sighed "Last night I saw glimmer of the old her, she's really trying, let's just see how today goes" and then they heard "one day at a time" and they all turned around to see Tobin looking like she had tears in her eyes. "Ready to hit the gym?"


	2. One Day at a Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one day! This one is a little shorter but I felt it naturally ended there. Enjoy!

After the gym the girls decided to go for lunch at a local café, while Tobin still wasn't hungry she knew she needed to eat something. She decided on a panini and a glass of water hoping to be able to eat most of it. As she went to order Lindsey came up behind her "Tobs, you know I'm gonna support you the whole way right? That stuff I said this morning I do it because I care. You're my best friend and we are gonna do this one day at a time." Tobin smiled genuinely and just replied with a nod. She knew it would take time but she didn't want to rely on alcohol anymore.   
After they all finished eating she excused herself, she wasn't feeling well so she went outside to get some fresh air. She didn't hear anyone else come out but suddenly Alex was stood next to her. She immediately tensed up. "What do you want?" Immediately regretting her snappy tone. "Tobin, can we please talk, it's been six months. I miss you. We all do." Alex sounded so sincere but Tobin was still hurting after all this time. She let out a bitter laugh before saying "There's nothing to talk about Lex."   
"Bullshit Tobin. Maybe all the alcohol went to your head and you forgot but I sure as hell didn't." At that Tobin lost it. "Are you fucking kidding me Alex? Why even bring up alcohol right now as if I'm not trying my hardest to keep it out my head. Why can't you just leave me alone? I didn't ask you to come out here. I don't want to talk to you, about anything." And then she was running. She needed to get away from there and so she was gone.   
Alex returned to the others in tears. "She's gone. She ran off. It's my fault." She choked out in between sobs. "What happened Lex?" Moe asked, shocked to see Alex so distraught. "We had an argument and I accidentally mentioned alcohol because I was mad at her and she started shouting at me and then she just ran off." Lindsey just nodded, and turned to the other girls "I'll go find Tobin, you guys take Alex home and have a girls night, I'll message the group chat when I get her home safe." And then she took off to look for Tobin, leaving the others with a very tearful Alex.   
Lindsey finally found Tobin after an hour and a half of searching in a bar. It was a bit of a dive but was safe enough. The owner seemed to realise exactly who she was looking for instantly and nodded towards the back corner. Lindsey walked over to Tobin who had a glass of whiskey set in front of her. "I hope that's for me and not you." She tried to make light of the situation but it fell flat, Tobin necked the liquor in one gulp. "Fuck off." Lindsey figured the alcohol wasn't helping her temper so didn't react to it. "We need to go home dude, you know you weren't supposed to drink today." Tobin met her eyes, the girl had clearly been crying and Lindsey just wants to engulf her in a hug but right now isn't the right time. "Tobs, Alex feels awful. She didn't mean to upset you. I should have never let her follow you outside, I knew you weren't ready. Let's go home and watch some films." Tobin broke down in front of her at this. "I was really trying. But Alex said stuff and I just got angry and I ended up here. Have you got the car? I don't feel like walking." Lindsey couldn't help but feel awful "Yeah Tobs, I've got the car, let's go"

The next day Tobin was ready to try again. However she avoided breakfast. Well she was more avoiding Alex than she was breakfast. She made some toast once the girls had left and then went back to bed. Once again she didn't really know what to do with herself so she ended up watching Netflix all day, by the time Lindsey got home with pizza for dinner Tobin was asleep. She opted to leave the pizza on the bedside table. She closed down the laptop and made sure Tobin was tucked in before turning the light off. Tobin was gonna get sober one day at a time as long as it may take. She closed the door and headed to bed.


	3. Need to Get You Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls are gearing up for a party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick update and I'll work on getting the next chapter out either today or tomorrow!

Sweat ran down her neck. She had been running for an hour now and she decided to run back towards Lindsey's place. As she reached the door she pulled her running t-shirt off and walked into the kitchen wearing a sports bra and shorts, Tobin had a pretty toned body from where she used to play football at high school and she still tries to maintain it. As she walked into the living room she was greeted with four sets of eyes instead of one. "Good run dude?" Lindsey tried to start a conversation but all Tobin said in response was "Need a shower." As soon as she left Christen commented "Tobin's got some serious abs!" Lindsey and Kelley both raised an eyebrow each at the girl and Alex just frowned. "What? She's hot." She defended. "Chris if you wanna get with Tobin you should invite her to the party tonight!" Kelley whispered, she was all for it if it meant Tobin would be part of their group again. "WHAT? No. You can't invite a recovering alcoholic to a party!" Alex screeched, it was a terrible idea and she knew it. "Actually I'm sure it would do her good, I can keep an eye on her there too, it's better than her staying in her room all day and all night." Lindsey said after considering the situation. "Besides, I think you'll have a pretty good chance with her Pressy!" She laughed. Tobin strolled into the living room as Lindsey said this. "Who's Chris making moves on?" She asked curiously, she might not spend much time with them anymore but she was still intrigued by their conversation. "She's trying to get with some girl at this party tonight, you've gotta come with Tobin!" Kelley exclaimed excitedly. "Uh I'm not sure about that Squirrel, I can't really be around alcohol" she was making excuses, she knew she could go. "Tobs, come, please. It'll be a fun night" Lindsey gave her puppy eyes and she caved. "Fine, what are you guys wearing?" She did best to try to sound like she wasn't excited but in reality she couldn't wait. 

There was a loud knock at the door, Tobin went to answer it because Lindsey wasn't ready yet. "Hey guys, come in, Lindsey is just finishing getting dressed then we are good to go." All the girls were there, showing a lot of skin, she noticed Alex had dressed particularly promiscuously. She drew her eyes away from Alex when she noticed the girls already smelled of alcohol and were swaying on their feet. "How about you guys go sit down? I'm just gonna get myself a glass of water." as she walked to the kitchen she heard the girls talking and giggling. She didn't realise she had been followed. "Tobs" she jumped and spun around. "Oh hey Alex, you need a glass of water? Your drunk is showing" she giggled, she knew it was still tense between them but tonight wasn't the time for their friendship drama. "Actually I just wanted to talk to you, I miss you." Alex frowned as she realised she was slurring her words a bit. "Lex, we will talk sometime I promise but I don't think tonight is the right time for that. Let's just have a good time tonight and figure things out after." She knew she hadn't been fair to the other girl recently and she wanted to fix their friendship but it meant she had to let go of a lot of hurt and anger. "Ok Tobi!" Tobin groaned at this. "You know I hate that Lex" Alex just giggled and stumbled back to the living room. Tobin took a deep breath and downed her water. She was really realising she could do this. "Tobin, you ready!?" She heard Lindsey call and she made her way out to the group. "I was ready way before you dude!" She laughed. She felt relaxed for once.


	4. Comfortable Silence Is So Overrated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party, it's drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer update, hope y'all enjoy

In the car Tobin was in the back with Christen to her left and Alex to her right. Both girls seemed to be competing for her attention but she was oblivious, she was far too nervous about the party. She was determined to not drink, she could have fun without getting drunk. As they got to the party Kelley and Lindsey quickly dispersed leaving Tobin with Christen and Alex. "Sure you're ready for this Tobs?" Alex sounded nervous for Tobin but Tobin just grinned. "I'm in my element lex, there's girls and I brought energy drinks with me, I'm gonna be ok. Maybe I won't even be coming back with you guys later." As she said the last part she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "I get first dance though, right?" It was Christen this time, Tobin thought she might have been flirting a little but quickly dismissed it because Christen was drunk. "Sure, I don't see why not." Alex grumbled something about getting drinks and sulked off. It's not that she didn't want Tobin and Christen to get together, of course she wanted to see her friends happy. She just wished she could be the one that made Tobin happy. Instead she was the one that upset her and made her angry. As she thought about it she downed her drink and grabbed two more before heading back to where the girls were but when she got there she found they were already dancing pretty intimately, at this she downed the drink in her left hand. As Christen leaned in to whisper in Tobin's ear she downed the drink in her right hand. Kelley came over as she was finishing that drink off. "Lex, I thought you were past this. I wouldn't have suggested Christen try it on withTobin if I knew it would bother you." She felt guilty, very guilty in fact. She knew how Alex had felt about Tobin before they all lost her to the alcohol. "Kel, how do you feel about shots?" Alex didn't want to talk about her feelings to her friends, there was only one person she wanted to tell but by the looks of it they weren't interested in hearing it right now. "I fucking love shots, let's go do some."   
"Tobin I didn't know you could dance." Christen slurred out, she didn't notice that Tobin in fact couldn't dance, at all. "Actually I can't, you're dancing on me and I'm just letting it happen" she laughed out, she had noticed the dancing was very intimate. She couldn't complain, the other girl was beautiful and if this was where her night was headed then she wouldn't mind. "Chris, I thought you were supposed to be making moves on someone tonight?" This caused the other girl to giggle. "I am, right now in fact." Then Tobin realised that christen had in fact been flirting, all evening. "Oh, me? Are you sure that's a good idea?" At this Christen leaned in and kissed Tobin, not a particularly heated kiss but enough for Tobin to know she was definitely sure. "We should go somewhere quieter." Christen nodded and they quickly disappeared upstairs.  
"Kel, you gotta keep up, I've done 7 shots already!"   
"Maybe it's wise for you to slow down. Have you seen Lindsey anywhere? She was supposed to keep an eye on Tobin."   
"Who cares, I'm sure Christen is doing a good job of that."   
"So you are jealous Lex."   
"So what if I am? It's pretty obvious what she wants."   
"Why don't we go back in there and try to get them to separate so you can have a little time with Tobs?"   
Alex quickly slammed down another shot and nodded. They navigated their way through hundreds of bodies back to the room where the other two girls were but when they got there they found they weren't anywhere to be seen. After calling them both a number of times and just reaching their voicemail they both realised what had probably happened.   
"I'm going to find Lindsey I want to go home." Alex was miserable. She had completely lost Tobin and it was her own fault.   
"Lex you know we can't leave without them, it's gonna be a long car ride but they have to be there, you can sit up front this time, I'll take an L for the team and sit next to the two lovebirds." 

An hour later and they were all home safe. Lindsey and Alex had planned a morning brunch to help Alex recover from a hangover she was sure to have. However Lindsey knew Alex needed to vent so really it was just a disguise for that. Last time Alex had gotten this drunk was when Tobin had left them all. She knew it wasn't a coincidence that this time Tobin had been with Christen all night while Alex had a ridiculous amount of shots. Lindsey wanted to keep an eye on Alex so suggested she sleep in Lindsey's room while Lindsey slept on the couch. She left a bottle of water and a couple of painkillers for Alex on the bedside table and said good night. Alex hadn't noticed Christen had stayed over in Tobin's room, Lindsey had because that's all she could hear all night.   
Alex woke up to the smell of coffee and she quickly ran to the toilet to throw up. Her own fault for her alcohol consumption she decided. She brushed her teeth and took the bottle of water and painkillers with her to the kitchen. "Morning sunshine!" Lindsey said a little too loud for the hungover girls liking. "Asshole. You know I'm hanging." Lindsey just laughed as Alex took the painkillers and sipped on her water. After about 10 minutes Tobin emerged from her room but she wasn't alone. "Alex I didn't know you'd be here." Tobin's voice was even but pleasant, she knew this potentially could be a problem. As Christen came into view Alex's face dropped immediately. "I've gotta go. Lindsey I'll text you about brunch!" She called as she rushed out the front door.   
She was no more than 5 meters out the door before she heard a voice. "Alex, wait." It was Tobin sounding more than a little concerned. Alex kept walking. "No Tobin not right now." She called as she carried on walking however Tobin ran in front of her and grabbed her shoulders. She looked worried, Alex was upset and she knew what might have caused it but she needed to know. "I wasn't asking Alex." The other girl just laughed bitterly. "What just happened? You just bolted" she knew they had some issues but she thought they were making slow progress but it seemed like they just went backwards. "Use your fucking head Tobin. You know what happened." To which Tobin just replied "Christen." Alex nodded and tried to walk away but Tobin just kept a firm hold of her shoulders. "Talk to me lex." The use of the nickname almost makes Alex's heart melt but not quite. "I tried to talk to you yesterday, before the party but you shrugged me off. Now it's my turn to shrug you off." And she felt Tobin's grip loosen and took the opportunity to walk past the girl. Tobin was left feeling rather defeated in the street.


	5. I Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Alex storming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey i'm so sorry it has taken me literally a year to update, I've been struggling a lot with some personal problems and haven't had any motivation to do anything. Anyway here is a quick update for you.

Tobin spent the rest of the day at the gym, she couldn’t stop thinking about Alex and how upset the girl had been. She ignored all the texts she was receiving from Christen, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with that right now. In actual fact she really wanted a drink. It seemed like the only thing that might make her feel better but she knew she couldn’t do that to Lindsey. Her friend had put so much effort in to help her stop drinking, even the thought of drinking felt like she was disappointing her. Instead she kept running, cycling, lifting and squatting until her muscles all but gave up, until all she can think of is the burning pain consuming her body. 

By the time she was walking home it was dark outside and a little chilly, she didn’t mind though because her body was on fire. The streets were quiet and the stars were out. For the first time in a very long time her mind was peaceful, she knew she was recovering and that things were getting better. She had to trust that it was all part of the big man’s plan. When she turned to drink she lost her faith but now she found she needed her faith to help her through. She came to a bench and decided to sit for a minute and look up at the sky. It reminded her of a moment she had shared with Alex before everything had gone wrong 

“Tobin, look at the sky, it’s so beautifully clear tonight!” The raspy teenager sounded in awe of what she was seeing.   
“It’s stunning but I have a much better view just across from me.” She replied staring right at the other girl.   
“You’re so sweet, how did I get so lucky?”   
“I was talking about the ice cream shop behind you!” Tobin grinned hard, finding herself particularly funny.  
“Hey, not cool Toby!” The raspy girl reprimanded.   
“Im kidding , of course I meant you, I’ve never seen anything more stunning than you, despite how amazing mint choc chip ice cream looks.” Her eyes were so full of love saved only for the girl sat across from her, she meant what she said and it was not lost on Alex.   
“Tobin I love you and I know you aren’t ready to say it but I just want you to know that I really love you and that you can take all the time you need, when you’re ready to say it I’ll be ready to hear it.”  
“Thanks Lex, one day at a time. I’ll get there.”

As she entered the apartment she wasn’t surprised to see Lindsey asleep on the sofa waiting for her. She gently shook her awake knowing the girl would have been worried about her relapsing. 

“Hey Lindsey, I’m home, want me to make some food for us?” She asked gently, not sure if the other girl had eaten yet.   
“Oh hey look who finally returned! Yes please, I’m so hungry.” The girl replied sleepily, stretching out after.   
“Sure, I can make tacos? We definitely have the stuff for that.” She said as she headed over to the kitchen to double check she had everything.   
“Wait! You’re sober! I’m proud of you, I was worried that after this morning you’d head to the bar!”  
“No, I spent the day at the gym, figured a work out would help.”  
“You spent the whole day at the gym? And you think you’re about to cook our dinner? No hit the shower Tobin, and put on some pyjamas. I’ll cook, you can choose a film to watch tonight.” Lindsey smiled warmly at her best friend, she was just so glad Tobin hadn’t gotten her hands on a bottle of whiskey.   
“Sure, that sounds like a plan to me boss lady!” Tobin laughed as she left the room. 

An hour later they had finished eating and were just sat on the couch watching Moana with a big bowl of popcorn between them. 

“Linds, what was Alex mad about?” She thought she already knew the answer but she wanted confirmation, she wanted to be sure.  
“Maybe you should ask her that?”  
“I already did and she didn’t really tell me.” Hearing the sadness in her friends voice Lindsey decided to tell her.  
“Tobin, you and Christen, that’s something that will hurt Alex for a while, she’ll need some time to get used to it. Have you seen the way she still looks at you, after all this time? She’s not over it and I don’t really think you are either to be honest.”She was hoping maybe she could help guide Tobin in the right direction, back to Alex.  
“I don’t really know what I want, I don’t think I want anything serious with christen, but maybe I do. I’m really confused.” She said quietly, suddenly unsure of where this conversation was heading and if she was ready to talk about it. Luckily Lindsey picked up on this and kept her reply simple and closed.  
“I know buddy.”


End file.
